Art of Communication Making Connections
I have been pondering this latest blog post on the Art of Communication Making Connections for some time, and the subject matter is part of the problem. How do I communicate effectively how I feel about communication.
Communication in this day and age seems on the surface to be better than ever. We have access to a wide range of tools at our disposal, that at first support us in conveying meaning either through writing in the form of texts, email, social media, blogs and letters, or verbal though telephone, Skype or dare I mention actual face to face conversations.
“Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication. He found that 7% of any message is conveyed through words, 38% through certain vocal elements, and 55% through nonverbal elements (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc).”- Google
The actual figures don’t really matter only that they serve to remind us that most communication takes place in other forms other than verbal. The look that passes between two people, a touch on the arm or even how we are standing. What is important however is that in a world that relies so much more heavily on the written word, those words carry deep meaning and can be imbued with all sorts of connotations that are dreamt up by either the sender or the receiver. It is also important to notice how quick something can be delivered. Sending a letter requires a bit of time to actually write it and find a stamp and walk to the post box. It is a deliberate and thought out action requiring planning from the sender. Emails and messages or posts on Facebook on the other hand are instant, with no time required to breathe, reflect and think about the power of words we are sending.
Visual and verbal clues...
I was reminded recently about the importance of communication by two events. One relied heavily on both visual and verbal clues and the other that was purely though the written word. These are all part of the art of communication making connections.
The first was being a observer of a cardio rehabilitation class for those who had recently had heart surgery. The class was run by a very welcoming physiotherapist with equipment set out in a circular fashion around the room. Class participants were initially asked to stand in a circle and be prepared to warm up for class,without verbal instructions at this stage. One gentleman completely ignored the class instructor and proceeded to walk around the perimeter of the room at some pace, gradually swinging his arms in a military fashion. The music went on and as the deep booming bass was established the circle gradually moved off in a clock wise direction with some participants finding themselves in front of the instructor thereby negating any visual clues to the activity and pretty much minimising the verbal instructions that were encouraging them to gradually warm up their muscles through a series of movements. A strange pseudo hobble ensued with one particular member increasingly becoming very frustrated at not being able to hear or see any instructions whilst trying desperately to keep up to the person in front and not get in the way of the one who came behind.
Bad medicine?
I must also point out at this juncture that the choice of music was probably ill advised as well; Bon Jovi is questionable at the best of times but playing “bad medicine” in an NHS cardio class with the immortal lines “I need a respirator ’cause I’m running out of breath” and “There ain’t no paramedic gonna save this heart attack!!” is probably not the motivation these particular patients needed. Subliminal messages aside!!
Derek (the man marching round the room) was clear about why he didn’t take part in the instructional side to the class “40 years in the army, no one tells me how to walk and I’m not doing all that flapping of arms, makes a man look daft”. His language actually was rather more colourful in reality, especially after being told to stop swinging his arms, but as his wife revealed, he mainly didn’t do what he was told because he couldn’t make head nor tail of what was being asked of him and didn’t want to look a fool.
A gentle soul with a wicked humour.
The other gentleman I was concerned for was my Dad, a very gentle soul with a normally wicked sense of humour who was getting increasingly upset by his inability to know what he should be doing.
In order to help him I offered to do the course with him but was unable to perform this service as the nurse present paired my Dad with another patient who tried to support him going round all the various stations. In an attempt to bring clarity to the situation I began to write down all the exercises and what was required at each station. Having completed nearly all I was approached by the lead physio who said:
“Oh you don’t need to do that, we have a sheet with them all on, but we don’t generally give it to participants until the end of the course!”
Words are the source of misunderstanding...
I tried to explain again that all was required were clear instructions in the Art of Communication Making Connections but I didn’t make much headway. This example serves to illustrate the intense frustrations when communication isn’t handled well. My Dad wanted to perform well and complete the tasks asked of him but was limited by a complete lack of understanding of what was required. His need to understand had not been met.
The other event concerned miscommunication by text, a very common occurrence I would imagine nowadays as one only has the actual words in front of you and none of the context. I mainly text to confirm arrangements or to be able to get across messages to people swiftly, not to engage in conversations and this on the whole works. Texts serve as truncated versions of another’s reality. They fail to take into account situational clues and are by nature short and to the point . There is no way of knowing what that person is doing, how they are feeling or what they may feeling when they receive a text. We tend to have an over reliance of these electronic ways of communicating that just can’t take the place of a conversation face to face of two people even when words are not exchanged. Where the Art of Communication Making Connections is seemly lost somewhere.
“I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Connection leads to disconnection...
In this case words were exchanged that actually had very little meaning attached, a general discussion about organisational aspects of an exchange. What really needed to be said was left unsaid and has resulted in a long uninterrupted silence. Without communication any relationship is limited and has no room to grow, connection leads to disconnection. There are those relationships that despite very little communication in the intervening time continue to develop and grow whilst others wither and die as they are not fed. We all have friends who despite not speaking for ages still feel connected despite the time that has passed. One thing these connections have in common is that they are based on real time, face to face communication where exchanges have taken place and understanding is shared. Authentic conversations based on shared experiences or understandings that take time to nurture.
I recently attended an excellent residential course on non violent communication and I plan to share more of that content as I process it but one thing became very clear, the drive to communicate effectively is a deeply held one, on many levels and ultimately it comes down to a need to connect with each other and the wider community in whatever form that takes but firstly as mentioned above its is a need to connect with ourselves.
In thinking about communication I have started to realise that the pause before any communication takes place, whether verbal or non verbal is the most important place to be. I want to consider how I communicate, with whom and about what and when. The pause before a conversation starts is not to be rushed and needs to be there to prepare both the speaker and the receiver. For some that might mean no communication as at least nothing can be misinterpreted.
“You say it best, when you say nothing at all”.
There is no conclusion to this blog post. I’m still thinking about communication and how it takes place and all I know at the moment is that I want to do it compassionately and with feeling…But I will leave you with this thought from George Bernard Shaw:
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”.
Why I do the work I do...
Hopefully you’ve found this post interesting and I hope it gives you an insight as to why I run Heartfelt Ways.
Find out more about what I offer here at the Heartfelt Ways Centre in terms of mindfulness, wellness and healing or contact me to discuss a service. I’d love to hear from you.
